They say no two days are the same in this game, and that’s bloody true. You’d think mopping floors and scrubbing bogs would be a straightforward affair, but let me tell you—people are mad. Absolutely mad. And if you spend enough time cleaning up after them, you start getting a front-row seat to the kind of weirdness you wouldn’t believe unless you saw it with your own two eyes.
Take old Mrs Dunleavy from the flats near Neasden Station. Sweet lady, but completely off her rocker. The first time I knocked on her door, she made me stand there for ten minutes while she peeked through the spy hole, making sure I wasn’t some burglar in disguise. Eventually, she let me in, but only after making me swear on my mother’s life that I wasn’t with the council. Then, as I was dusting her shelf, she sat in her chair clutching a bloody frying pan like she was expecting me to turn on her at any moment. Kept muttering about how she knew “they” were after her. Never found out who “they” were, but I wasn’t about to ask. I just did my job and got out of there before she started swinging that pan.
Then there was the bloke in the big house over in Dollis Hill. Fancy gaff smelled like one of those posh candle shops. He had one rule—never, under any circumstances, touch the silver tray in the living room. Now, when someone tells you not to do something, you can’t help but wonder why. But I didn’t ask questions. I stuck to the kitchen, the bathrooms, all that. Then, one day, as I was vacuuming, I glanced at the tray. It had a stack of envelopes on it, all unopened. Bills, bank statements, you name it. Looked like they’d been sitting there for months. The bloke must’ve noticed me looking ‘cause he popped his head in and said, “It’s not mine to open.”
That was the day I started realising that cleaning ain’t just about dirt—it’s about people. People hiding things, people avoiding things, people living in ways you’d never expect. The cleaner always sees it all.
Speaking of odd jobs, you wouldn’t believe the state some people live in. I once walked into a flat where the bloke had been living entirely on takeaway. You think I’m exaggerating? Every surface—every single one—was covered in empty cartons and pizza boxes. I even found one in the bath. How does a person even end up like that? I don’t know, but he just shrugged when I asked. Said he was “too busy” to sort it out. Too busy doing what? Growing a bin collection in his own home?
And then there’s the ones who reckon you’re invisible. Had a couple once, young professionals, both working from home. I’d be scrubbing their kitchen sink while they were having a full-blown argument over whose turn it was to book the dog’s grooming appointment. Not a single glance in my direction, like I wasn’t even there. Makes you wonder—if they can ignore a six-foot-two ex-boxer in their kitchen, what else are they blind to in life?
Some jobs, though, they stick with you. There was this old fella, Mr Patel. Lovely guy, always made me a cuppa when I came round. Lived alone, but he wasn’t lonely—he always had the radio on and always had something to chat about. One day, I turned up and found the place quiet. No radio, no kettle boiling. I knocked, waited, knocked again. Eventually, the neighbour told me he’d been taken to hospital. Didn’t even get to say goodbye. I still think about him when I pass his street.
Then there was Dave. Now, Dave was a proper character. Lived in a studio flat with more junk than I’ve seen in some second-hand shops. You name it, he had it—broken clocks, half-mended radios, old newspapers stacked so high I thought they’d tip over on me. Every time I came over, he had some new scheme on the go. One time, he told me he was inventing a self-cleaning toilet brush. Another time, he swore he was breeding the “perfect” budgie by playing classical music to the poor thing 24/7. I once caught him trying to make toast on an iron. “Saves on washing up,” he reckoned. You’ve got to admire the creativity.
Then there are the hoarders. The ones whose homes are so crammed full of stuff you can barely move. I had a lady once who had floor-to-ceiling stacks of magazines from the 80s. Told me she was “keeping them for reference.” Reference for what? I have no idea. But I spent three hours just clearing a path from her door to her kitchen so she could actually reach her kettle without knocking over a tower of Cosmopolitan.
Of course, some people like to test your patience. Like the fella who used to follow me around his flat, watching my every move like I was planning to rob the telly. Or the woman who asked me to clean her bathroom then stood there and pointed out every single speck of dust I “missed.” I’m good, but I ain’t a magician.
But for every oddball, there’s someone who makes it worth it. Like Mrs Ibrahim, who insists on making my lunch every time I come round, even though I tell her I’m fine. Or young Jamie, a lad who lives with his nan and always helps me out, asking questions about cleaning like I’m teaching him the secrets of the universe.
Being a cleaner, you get a glimpse into lives most people never see. You step into their homes, their habits, their little private worlds. Some are messy, some are lonely, some are just plain bizarre. But at the end of the day, they’re all human. And I suppose that’s what keeps me going—knowing that, in my own way, I’m a part of their stories, even if they don’t realise it.
That, and the fact that I still can’t stand a dirty floor.